The · Plague

I'm currently on the road with my mom towards the university. Thank Apple for the iPhone's satellite GPS navigation. We almost took a wrong turn.

I shall update again later. For srs.

I shall post about my amazing night. Later.

For now, sleep. 

Feelings:	content
Sounds:	Stupify - Disturbed

What color should I dye my hair?

Feelings:	awake
Sounds:	Where Angels Don't Sing - Hocico

Wow.

First of all, I'm not a fiction reader. The last time I read something fictitious that wasn't Death Note was back when I read The Deathly Hallows. (Not counting fan fiction of course, I'm really just referring to books.) Mostly, I've just been engaging myself with various books on Particle Physics and the occasional Calculus tangent--you know, something to envelope me with its intriguing relative world of quantum mechanical theories and dark matter. Those topics are my vices, really. But I haven't come across good fiction like this in a long time. 

It makes me wonder where my imagination had gone.

I love you Andrew Compton, you're an Alucard of your own world. And that sounds like a serial killer name to me anyway.

But anyway, my utter glee aside, I guess I've just been trying to indulge myself with things that would keep my mind off of the territory in my temporal lobe that still harbors animosity towards my past loves. I still find myself thinking about them, and I especially find myself worrying about Randy. I suppose if love was something superficial, it would be easy to let go of. But it's not.

And I only have myself to admit that to.

And I found pockles and shinigami_ebola in Disney.


Carry on.
 

Feelings:

silly

I've written so much already, but I can't bring myself to writing those B/L scenes. I just can't.

All because I can't face my own inner demons and get out of this fucking slump.

Maybe I should hold off from writing for awhile. So I don't disappoint people anymore like this.

Damn.

*Shifty eyes*

You guys all know that I'm dating Sean now, right?

*Shot*

Okay, now for a meme:

Feelings:	bouncy
Sounds:	Carmen's bitching

I've had more ice cream trucks go down my street in my 18th year of life, than I ever have any year during my childhood.

Maybe that says something.

You know, I think I’ve finally found a way to overcome my madness. It’s not even a method to overcome it, it’s just something I discovered about myself. Well, first of all, I was talking to Randy earlier. The conversation went like how it normally did, but for some reason, I feel like I got to accomplish more. I guess because I was up front about everything. All I can say is that there’s hope between he and I, even though this waiting period is what’s killing me. And I don’t regret all that I’ve done with Sean, because it was hardly anything physical, but almost all emotional.

I have lived life one day at a time, and I’m feeling my anger slipping away. (Other than when Carmen tries to make a rise at me—because then my testosterone starts building and my rage begins to quell, but I’m trying to work on that also.)

Oh yeah. My answer?

I’m a left brained person, with the amazing curse of having an extraordinarily strong right brain. I think people don’t have two powerful hemispheres without having some amount of mental instability. But realizing this, it’s helped me calm down some. I realize now why I’m glad I’m going into a field requiring heavy Calculus. Doing equations is so soothing—on the same par as the calm after sex.

I can’t be too right brained for long, though I need it at times when I’m utilizing my creativity my macabre writing imagery or drawing. Oh, and I feel better when I sleep. Sleep is a good thing. I’ll be getting much of that for a long time.

You know, no matter what happens with Randy, and even though I’ll miss Sean terribly when he and I go to college, I know I’ll be okay. I wasn’t always okay before, but, I have a feeling I will be.

Energy takes the path of least resistance, and I learned that life does too.

Feelings:	content
Sounds:	Hey Pretty - Poe

Ever-wakeful Torment

In its trembling bowels reels

nauseating caffeinated

carnage.

Shifting movements in a

disquiet

house knock on its door

to sleeplessness.

“Enter,” like a dream it says

seeing,

forgetting—

not knowing what the

sun is

anymore.

A moon it remains

listlessly incognizant of

hides behind

vermilion clouds

and its corneas grow hazy

in its drying

tears.

Existence from day to day lives

self-deluding slumber-starved nights

in the form of carbon-copy

sheets. As it slowly disintegrates it

shrivels into

a torn-copy of its

once

glorious

self.

Anger is the last to

bleed from

its heart. Now that

is no longer recognizable

as the vomit

leaks from its

mouth.

“Let me rest,” it says.

No more nameless,

than when it was a man.

Why must I always end up in this situation? It's like I'm setting myself up to be broken by two people. Both are risky, and I have no idea what would end up being the better match.

Vague post is vague.

I'll elaborate later.

Oh, and a big thanks to pockles . He's a fucking bad ass. Someone remind me to write him some more epic Uno drabbles.

Feelings:

torn

I just have to say, that I am stronger now. I've gone through a shitload of things these past weeks--getting sick, having this fucking essay, a stupid luncheon, and having Randy breakup with me. HOWEVER!!!, I managed to write the most important paragraphs in my novel. Fuck yes. And I mean important when I say so.

Okay yeah, the whole Randy breaking up with me is probably making you go DDDDDD:. And believe me, I've been horrible lately (I'm sure you heard my voice post). The amazing belucre  actually helped me a lot with dealing with myself the other night. I'll elaborate more when I have time, but just know that I'm going to be okay. At the end of the day, your little Shi will be fine. 

And dear God, am I so happy that I fell in love.

Maybe if fate permits us, he and I may return again. He is still going to keep talking to me, and I care about him too much to just let him leave my life. Life is all about hope, right?

Feelings:

okay

Goddamn, why does this shit always happen to me??? And when I'm depressed, no less.

Then again, I was so depressed from my current state of personal affairs and stressed out from my English paper, that I think my immune system couldn't hold out anymore. And, I guess it means I should sleep some.

I've got a bit of a fever, and I've been coughing. My eyes hurt, but all in all, I'm fine. I'm just really tired. And well, I'm not so depressed today. I'm too sick to be. But I got to get a lot of things off my chest last night, and I guess I'm just going to have to face the music, no matter what happens. Again, I hate being vague, but it's so long of a story, and it still bothers me, I'm just not up to elaborating. Yet.

Though I remember years back when I had the flu, and Randy took care of me. Now, I have to go at this alone. I couldn't bear to mention this to him.

*Sighs* I wish I could go to work today. Well, at least I unlocked some more characters in Brawl. I really should play that more often. But I do want to thank you all again--each and every one of you. I know I feel better about admitting this to you all, since no one in real life knows about what I've been going through. Well, I'm going to try and slip some GHB in pockles ' Minute Maid. Later.

Feelings:

sick